Cybersex

Has even sex been made obsolete by technology?

I don't remember the last time I opened a decent sealed section of Cosmopolitan. Granted, the frequency of my magazine purchases varies greatly, but during the past six months I've managed to collect around fifteen issues - a combination of Marie Claire, Cosmopolitan, Harper's Bazaar, New Woman and Cleo.

On more than three occasions have I come across some hyped-up article about cybersex or online-sex or virtual sex. In fact, two magazines have featured in their sealed sections the online game Second Life. Hello? Have you monkeys forgotten the tradition of the famous sealed sections? Whatever happened to full-frontal photos of completely nude men and women acting out their twisted sexual fantasies? The bizarre sex tips? The detailed step-by-step instructions on how to achieve three different kinds of orgasms simultaneously? The juicy naughty stuff that make teenage girls giggle, and high school math teachers blush when caught out on knowing about the sacred pages hidden within the "SEX SECRETS INSIDE" tab?

Apparently it's a thing of the past.

From this month's Cleo,

"Cybersex Dos and Don'ts

Set ground rules if you have a partner. Cybersex may be fantasy, but it can ruin real-world relationships.

As in real life, the easiest way to break the ice with someone new is via small talk.

Lock the door. Online forums are full of stories about people whose partners, parents or flatmates walked in on them mid-session.

Once an erotic story starts, follow the script and avoid continuity problems.

Be careful with misspellings. It can really wreck the mood if a partner suddenly sends an "LOL" in the middle of a steamy session.

Try not to leave the computer until you've both climaxed."

It's like a fussy cooking recipe.

"Follow the instructions in sequential order. The steps may sound simple but mixing the steps could result in unsatisfactory souffle.

The easiest way to crack open an egg is to tap the middle on a sharp edge.

Close tightly the lid of the food processor. Our forums are full of stories about bits of fruit flying around the kitchen as the top wasn't sealed properly.

Once the flour has been sifted, stir in a single direction continuously until mixed.

Be careful with the type of baking pan used. It can really wreck a perfect muffin if the wrong type of metal results in burnt bases.

Try not to remove cake from the oven until the middle springs back when touched."

The next page is titled "Sex in Second Life". Surprise.

"Buying sex in Second Life

Straight sex: between $L1,200 and $L2,000 for one hour.

Fetishes or role play: An extra $L300 to $L1,000 an hour.

Threesomes: Up to $L4,000 an hour.

Oral sex: About $L250 to $L400 for 15 minutes.

Nude dance: $L400 for 10 minutes.

FYI: US$1 is worth about 250 Linden dollars."

So basically, you pay about eight bucks to have someone's avatar hump yours. Money well spent?