Day One

I told Jez last night that I wanted to say thank you to his parents for everything they've done for us. A grunt doesn't mean no, right? Riiiight.

He doesn't think it's necessary, I know. I do though. How many nights have we come home dragging his mum away from whatever she's doing to make us dinner? How many times have they invited me out with family friends? How many times have they checked for me that Jez was home and safe when he wouldn't pick up the phone?

I've never shown in any way that I appreciated all of this. Well, other than washing the dishes. I was a notorious bedroom-hermit otherwise. There was that one time when Jez's mum asked me to take out the laundry because she had to leave the house before the washing machine was ready. Just one time. And Jez offered to help but ended up just standing behind me and trying to make my dress fly up.

I called his dad. Well I didn't know who I was calling, but his dad answered the phone. He was completely oblivious to the fact that we had broken up. I wasn't oblivious to his obliviousness because I knew Jez hadn't said anything.

I wanted to say just two things. Thank you, and sorry. And then maybe a brief elaborating of each on why. But he told me that Jez had been home this whole time, and that upon re-emerging from his room for lunch, he asked him whether I was working, whether I'll be coming over later. Jez said I was at work, and that he didn't know.

Babe, when are you going to realise that they care?

Last time I posted I said we've grown up somewhat through being together. It's true. After our last break-up I would have never left his house. This time I know he's home. It's early. I have the day off. But I don't want to see him. This time I'm not trying to hold on. He's online. Reading manga because it's Saturday, or mindlessly adding friends on Facebook. I'm thinking about him, but I want to let him be.

I said to Jez's dad that Jez will definitely be mad that I'm calling to tell you something he won't. He said it doesn't matter how Jez takes it. He asked me what happened, and I briefly told him the reasons we broke up. Just like everyone else he said it was no big deal, but I knew it was. From the outside, it's a lost ring. Only Jez and I know what it means.

I didn't talk to him for long, but after the phone call I felt so much lighter. He said he'll have a talk with Jez, that he and Jez's mum want to help me, and asked for my phone number so that he can talk to me because we probably both knew that Jez isn't going to open up. It doesn't bother me whether or not he talks to Jez. I'm thankful for it, but I don't want them to help me. And I can't imagine what it would be like to be occasionally speaking to the parents of an ex. I do think that it isn't right to keep the people who care about us most in the dark, but their influence has a limit. Ultimately the decision is ours. We've made it.

There's a lot to think about, I said. And we were reluctant to let go, but we have and it's over. Finally I came to the reason I called in the first place, and thanked him and auntie for being so good to me. He said I'm welcome to come over any time. I wanted to laugh, not because it's funny, but because that was exactly what Mrs Sivan had said.

Even though I still didn't end up talking to Jez's mum, I feel that this has been enough. It's easier to move on if there's closure. I have my closure now.

There was one thing that Jez's dad said that stuck to my mind.

He said, it's so hard to find someone, it's partly fate.

It was something I didn't want to think about. Because I know it's hard. It's really, really hard.