Troubles

Before I get it on with my slideshow, I mean, get on with my slideshow, I'll make one more post.

I'm still running my fingers through my renewed hair. It feels heavenly.

There's something that has been bothering me. Since I'm always busy darting from place to place and spend my free time (i.e. time I spend on public transport) brain-training on my DS I don't think about anything except what word you get when you unjumble TSREDEIC. It's DISCREET, by the way.

On top of that, I'm terrified of being labelled a whinger. Complaints about pretty much everything from a scratch on my shoe to missing out the most recent episode of Heroes used to fall out of my mouth in a very verbal diarrhoeal kind of way, but lately I've been holding my tongue because not only am I unpleasant to listen to, whinging about something usually doesn't get rid of it.

But anyway, it might be healthy to let it out every so often.

For some reason I get myself into awful situations with work. Not at work, mind you. Work is great. Staff are great. Customers are great, and I don't deal with the ones that aren't. "Awful situations" relates to my hours, which I know is kind of random because one of the best things about my job is being able to turn up and leave as I please. However, this conflicts with my interests of wanting to please everyone. People tell me I should think of myself first but I can't stand disappointing others. Jez often tells me I have no backbone and he's quite right. I try to change that but so far the only progress I've made is to stop E from expressing his sexual interest.

So as a result, I'm working more than I'd like to. I'm tired pretty much all the time, and am never in the mood to study. My days are usually divided into uni and work during which I might have five spare minutes to grab lunch on the way to one or the other. I never have lunch with my friends. Never meet up early to study. Never study, period.

I know I have to draw the line somewhere. Ismat is already planning her holiday around my timetable and I told her that I won't under any circumstances work three saturdays in a row in addition to my shifts during the week. However, I caved in eventually and agreed to help out with two.

All of this makes life seem to drone on pointlessly. Time passes quickly but I don't know where it goes or where it's headed. Probably goes around in circles, because nothing ever changes (apart from when mid-sems come up and I'll be pulling out my eyeballs trying to cram everything I missed out while busy not focusing on uni).

What's worse, my educational decline is starting to affect Jez. Having already made him miss two lectures (one due to an unintentional bus trip to Coogee and the other due to sleeping) and bludge through three pre-planned study days, I'm continuing the trend this week. Tonight I went to his place after dinner and incredibly, after another pointless nap, started crying uncontrollably. I felt guilty and awful. I'm spiralling towards total failure and the only thing worse is if I drag someone else down with me. I thought briefly of leaving him for his own good, and immediately decided against it because despite what I've just said I'd probably rather be failures together than not have him. Mean, I know.

But I don't plan for us to be failures. I plan to grow some balls. And do my slideshow.