Day Three

It was mind-numbingly quiet today at work. I like to keep busy so I don't have time to think. Today I had plenty of it.

I felt like a queen, surrounded by colleagues ceaselessly offering me chocolate that I didn't want to eat.

John noticed my poopyfacedness.

What's wrong sniffles, he asks. I say nothing and look at him, poopyfaced. He cracks up laughing and tells me I look like one of those miserable-looking little toy puppies with the wobble-heads that you put in the back of your car. I pout. He laughs more.

I know! He says. How about you take my Macbook Air home tonight. I tell him that would have been an excellent idea about a week ago when Jez was still in the picture, creaming over the prospect of spending the night with it.

He then hands me a box of Zoloft with a serious face. Take three. He says. I can't keep a straight face.

The thought has actually occured to me. Not three tablets, but just the thought of antidepressants. That being said it was a very semi-demi-serious thought, if that. I know the mechanism of action of those things. I don't want them potentially up- or down-regulating my catecholamine receptors, thankyouverymuch. This I have to take like a man. A sexy man. With boobies.

Back to antidepressants though. Everyone seems to be on them. I asked Eugene whether it was as simple as walking into a doctor's office and saying "look, I'm feeling kinda sad, so gimme a tablet". He said it was and I'm not surprised. There are too many doctors who prescribe anyone anything and call a cough asthma.

For a good part of the day I couldn't stop being reminded of Jez.

Train goes past Lewisham in the morning. Mirjana sent me off to buy lunch from the pasta shop that sells the risotto that Jez liked that I once brought back for dinner. The whole plaza was reminiscent of us walking through it, me chirping away at "this is where I buy my shoes, this is where I buy my sushi, this is where I buy my lingerie. Giggle giggle". The fruit shop full of things we said we'll try one day. The harbour bridge we never climbed.

There are so many things I want to do. And in all honesty I don't want to do them with anyone else, because it was never their plan. It was ours.

I've never felt so wrong doing something right.