Day One

I'm washing the clothes that smell like Jez, and not wanting to wash them at the same time.

I'm messed up. I think you only need to take a look at how many entries I've posted within the last two hours to come to that conclusion.

I know that everything we do is serious. Breaking up was not a joke. If it was we should probably break up anyway for bad taste in jokes.

I'll admit - there's a small part of me hoping that this is transient. That's the part that has always stuck with me, knowing that these moments aren't completely unfamiliar, and knowing that later, we'll come back to each other.

Right now there's nothing to suggest anything. It's a blank. I'm not naive enough to ask why two people who love each other can't be together. Not anymore. I don't want anything other than for both of us to be happy. I don't think it needs to be said that I care about Jez, and I want myself to be happy because I'd be stupid not to.

I wouldn't sacrifice my happiness for his. That kind of sacrifice doesn't work a relationship, and is pointless outside of one.

Back to my hopeful little self. Contrary to what might actually make sense, I don't want it to go away. Hope is a good thing. I don't know how to justify the disappointment in which it might eventually result. I just think it's good to have a little bit of hope.

Jez is different. I feel almost as if we don't break up because we want to, but because we think we should. I wouldn't know what to say when people start asking for reasons.

None of this makes the break-up any less real. I'm a little torn between being sad and being thankful I haven't let myself sink into delusions.

I might reminisce. It's too early, and the happy memories are exerting quite the opposite effect to their name.

Right now, everything really is zucker-frei. :(